Home is Within: Finding a deeper relationship with self from Louisville natives across the U.S.

Originally published in The Voice-Tribune, July 2020

Photo by McCall Besten @birds.n.bees

As a proud Louisville native who lives in New Mexico, I was ecstatic to write this piece and interview Louisville natives across the U.S. about their perception of home during the coronavirus pandemic. For most, home is not only being surrounded by people who have our best interests but a feeling of peace within.

Peace can be difficult to cultivate during challenge and especially when you live far away from your loved ones. Whenever I feel my world has been turned upside down, I turn to Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist of our time.  He is most famous for his "Hero's Journey" cycle that can be seen in some of the greatest modern-day films, like Star Wars of The Wizard of Oz.

He says, "At the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light."

What does this quote have to do with home? In order to cultivate a peaceful home wherever we go, we must practice courage to look at what scares us most. We must be willing to clean the cobwebs out of the closet, so there is room to breathe.

For years, I ran away. Shutting family members’ deaths like a book I wasn't in the mood to read. Putting in overtime at work. Then, chasing the dragon I never met at after-parties. Rushing my healing from Lyme-induced insomnia, to return to work, in the name of productivity.

"Wherever you go, there you are." My mom repeated Jon Kabat-Zinn as I moved from one activity to another or from state to state. It took a decade for that message to begin to sink in.

With each accomplishment or move, loneliness still left me hungry. Long before I moved thousands of miles from home to study writing and healing arts in Santa Fe. And before corona shook the globe like an earthquake. Creating cracks so big—now rivers run through what we thought to be reliable routines.

Even though this pandemic is challenging for many financially and emotionally, it's also been a blessing in disguise. Ironically, this mandatory solitude illuminated the source of my loneliness. I had been running away from being with myself. Constantly seeking fulfillment outside myself—from work, socializing or one more workout class 

But true contentment does not live outside oneself, it lives in the present. Joy prevails when we can be present with whatever the present moment throws our way. No matter where we are or who we are with—we are always with ourselves.

I've lived in six states. New Mexico has been the most difficult to meet people and create meaningful connection. Yet it has given me the gift of cultivating a deeper relationship with myself.

Ali Besten, who lives in Nashville, TN and runs Marketing & Sales for Cathead Distillery says the quarantine has allowed her to spend more time with herself, "Before I was never physically home, I was out of town or socializing. I neglected my home. Now I have gotten back to cooking and working with my hands It makes me happier...ironically those were the last things I would do in my life before [the pandemic]. "

What if quarantine creates what Joseph Campbell, calls "willed introversion" and in the space and place of solitude and silence—we see we already have everything we need within ourselves. Campbell's universal path he calls "the hero's journey," can be broken down into three parts: departure, initiation and return and recurs in mythology, religion and modern-day events—i.e. the coronavirus pandemic. 

McCall Besten, a Louisville native who lives in Palo Alto, CA and runs @birds.n.bees photography reflects this sentiment of departure, "All we need, we already have. The pandemic has been a major reset for me and made me realize we need to go back to the basics—cooking, creating, reading, exploring nature, meditating—we are all creative beings we just need the capacity to tap into it. Going inward is challenging but necessary for personal growth. We have to go within ourselves to find home."

Yet, going inward, when the world is a mess, to cultivate peace is difficult. Katy Spalding of Semonin Realty in Louisville says her biggest challenge during this time has been, "watching people in the community and around the world suffer—mental health, drug abuse, financial hardship, violence, and obviously physical health...and not being able to plan for the future. There is so much uncertainty. I have so much compassion and then feel guilty, because I have not been impacted negatively."

As Campbell echoes through all his teachings, the world has always been a mess, "we're not going to change it. Our job is to straighten out our own lives." I believe we can change the world, but the work must begin with ourselves.

This is why it usually takes a hardship for us to look into the red beady eyes of what scares us. Whether that be to investigate the uncertain and violent state of the world, old traumas we've buried, or the work it takes to achieve our aspirations.

Ali Besten says, "Covid helped me clean out the cobwebs by giving me an excuse to say no to people and yes to myself. It really helped me figure out my needs and thus better serve others. By not being on all the time gave me an internal reset."

Likewise, it took chronic insomnia for me to re-evaluate my lifestyle and slow down to deal with emotions I had stuffed into my mind's junk drawer. Sleeplessness still rears its ugly head, especially when emotions are high amid radical change.

Insomnia, like quarantine, is an indicator that I need to slow down and invite painful emotions to lunch, so they don't keep me up at night. Most of the world has more downtime right now—to look at what is and what is not working in our lives. To sit in the discomfort of loneliness or heartache during the darkest hours before dawn. To examine how we are the common denominator of our own lives and how that affects the community at large.

This is what Campbell calls the initiation stage, leaving what is comfortable to swim in the frigid waters of the unknown. Can we endure the cold plunge?

The pandemic has been a reset for many, like Katy who says, "The pandemic has given me time to stop and be with myself, to reexamine my goals and aspirations. Meditate. Before I was go, go, go...it's been great to be able to sit still, not have a million errands to run, people to meet up with, time to do nothing."

From this downtime, we see more clearly. In order to create a peaceful home, we must do a deep clean—physically and emotionally. When I am about to lose my mind, I grab Comet, put on yellow gloves, blast rap, and attack my bathtub. As my hands scrub, my mind settles and my mood begins to shift. Sometimes tears come and at other times anger roars and I will invite these emotions to lunch.

What if quarantine is allowing us time to clear out what no longer belongs and make room for what does? And through deep cleaning, we can be at ease within our own skin.

Mary Beth Rockwell, who now lives in San Francisco and works as Senior Vice President at financial institution BTIG says, "home is a place where family can flourish. It's not necessarily the city you live in, but your attitude and family surrounding you, people that make you the best version of yourself. So nowadays home can be anywhere."

But home can only be anywhere if we have created a way to flourish within. When we build a solid foundation with ourselves we invite our loved ones and community to do the same. Katy observed that in Louisville, "...neighbors helping neighbors. There's a resurgence of buying local and supporting local restaurants. Recently, I canceled my amazon subscription and instead buy local, like ordering books from Carmichael's again or getting supplements at Rainbow Blossom."

Amid the pandemic, violence, and pain it's hard to have hope. But we can create home within as McCall says by, "acknowledging we are all in discomfort...to share how we are really feeling. This year hasn't been easy. We need to relate, communicate, and sit in the discomfort and show up for each other in more creative ways. There's no room for judgment right now."

It is up to us as individuals and communities to decide how we will return from this pandemic. What Campbell calls, the return (or final) phase of the hero's journey is sharing insights revealed during the initiation stage. It's time to begin thinking about our takeaways. How do we want to structure our homes and thus communities?

If we want to create a better world, we must begin in our own home. So grab your yellow gloves and Comet and be willing to take a good whiff of what has been stinking—loneliness, trauma, insomnia, heartache, pain. Can you locate its roots? During quarantine, I realized that the dragon I chased for years through outward validation, actually lives within me.

In this mandatory nest of stillness, I saw this dragon was simply waiting for me to act with kindness and courage—to invite it to tea in the wee hours of the night. Sip, acknowledge and listen to what was no longer serving me. So I could clear it out and create room for a world of my wildest dreams. Writing, teaching and serving others surrounded by people that love and support me

And that's where home is.